HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!'
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
THE BLONDE AND THE ELECTRIC CHAIR
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate collegegraduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning
- though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if she has any last words.
She says, 'I just graduated from Trinity BibleCollege and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.
' They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.'
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is trapped in and says, 'Well I'm
from theUniversity of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering,
and I'll tell ya right now,
ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.'
A horny young man went to a brothel...
The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models...
they are all slinky and sexy...
On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...
they are all buxom and beautiful...
On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers...
"Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor." Madam, "Are you sure...
I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses." Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same Tricks, over and overagain.
There was only one problem: The captain's Parrot saw the shows each Week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, Look, Its not the same hat!' or, 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under The Table!' orHey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,The Captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the shipunfortunately sank, Drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the Middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This Went on for a day...
And then 2 days ... And then 3 days
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and Said,
'OK, I give up. Where's the f----ing ship?'
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
Anyway... he thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab..
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her... you know the kind!
He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
Hello?' the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9'.
A son asks his dad the difference between 'theoretically'&'realistically'. Dad says thats hard,but I have an idea. Ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman for $1 million.Mum says yes. Dad says now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the coalman for $2million. Sister says yes. Well there you go son,thats your answer,theoretically we're sitting on $3million but realistically we're living with 2 sluts.
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you?' she asked.'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.
'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man.'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, ' Tasmania.’'Really' she said. 'I have family in Tasmania’'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
There are four kinds of sex : .............
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.
She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"
She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."
So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me??
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Bill! How you doing’?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Bill. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he’d like his usual and brings over a Fosters.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Fosters?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bill, and says “Hi Billy. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”
Bill’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bill.”
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
She’ll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.
If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy
Pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says
"Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for
Thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he
Unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She
Runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan This guy seventy bucks?
THE BLONDE DID IT AGAIN
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
‘What a great chest you have!’
He tells her, ‘That’s dynamite, Baby.’
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
‘What massive calves you have!’
The body builder tells her, ’That’s 100 kgs of dynamite, Baby.’
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her and asks why she run out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies,
‘I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!’
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bi**h knows I'm smarter than her.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
Because ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
So they hide in the bushes.
It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.
The first one says," My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed."The second kid says,
"That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mother works nightshift, he has to sleep with the woman next door."
An american girl, a french girl and an african girl are travelling in a plane.The plane is about to crash. The american girl puts on make-up. Everyone is curious."Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" The french girl opens her top and removes her bra saying, “Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!"The african girl removes her knickers and says "Fuck off; they always look for the black box first!"
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him casually and replied, 'You're not home then!'
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make
you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed
'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes
And quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don’t know - I thought you were watching.'
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEA D!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER! WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST? The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your Body goes first?' Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands. ‘‘Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!’ the nun said. Little Johnny who had clearly been thinking quietly, raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. " Morning Sex" She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!" Or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Her T-shirt still around her neck. "What was that all about?" A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST
DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEA D!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your Body goes first?'
Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands. ‘‘Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!’ the nun said.
Little Johnny who had clearly been thinking quietly, raised his hand and said,
'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
'Well, I walked into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
" Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
"What was that all about?"
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.