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HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!'
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
- though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
if she has any last words.
' They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
from theUniversity of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering,
and I'll tell ya right now,
A horny young man went to a brothel...
The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available. Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models...
they are all slinky and sexy...
On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...
they are all buxom and beautiful...
On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers...
. they...
"Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor." Madam, "Are you sure...
I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses." Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
There was only one problem: The captain's Parrot saw the shows each Week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, Look, Its not the same hat!' or, 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under The Table!' orHey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,The Captain's parrot.
And then 2 days ... And then 3 days
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and Said,
'OK, I give up. Where's the f----ing ship?'
Anyway... he thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab..
He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her... you know the kind!
He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
Hello?' the woman says. (God, she sounded sexy!).
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The man replied, ' Tasmania.’'Really' she said. 'I have family in Tasmania’'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.
There are four kinds of sex : .............
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."
So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Bill. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bill if he’d like his usual and brings over a Fosters.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Fosters?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bill, and says “Hi Billy. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”
Bill’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bill follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bill.”
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
She’ll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.
If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy
Pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says
"Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for
Thirty dollars is a hand job. He says okay, she gets in the car, he
Unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She
Runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan This guy seventy bucks?
‘What a great chest you have!’
He tells her, ‘That’s dynamite, Baby.’
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
‘What massive calves you have!’
The body builder tells her, ’That’s 100 kgs of dynamite, Baby.’
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her and asks why she run out of the apartment like that.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let’s get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bi**h knows I'm smarter than her.
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.''
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty quid .....' she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it's only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when suddenly alight flashes on them.
It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that bloody light in her face'
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars".
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, threedays later, she became his stepmother.
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.
An american girl, a french girl and an african girl are travelling in a plane.The plane is about to crash. The american girl puts on make-up. Everyone is curious."Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" The french girl opens her top and removes her bra saying, “Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!"The african girl removes her knickers and says "Fuck off; they always look for the black box first!"
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'
'Social Security sex?'
'Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him casually and replied, 'You're not home then!'
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make
you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over
the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed
'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes
And quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked,
'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don’t know - I thought you were watching.'
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
Intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
Cause I still have mine.'
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife
all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEA D!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER! WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST? The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your Body goes first?' Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands. ‘‘Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.' 'What a wonderful answer!’ the nun said. Little Johnny who had clearly been thinking quietly, raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her." Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. " Morning Sex" She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!" Or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Her T-shirt still around her neck. "What was that all about?" A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
said 'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I
will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in this business for years, you
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be
able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and
he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER the agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the enclosed letter.
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation, once again many thanks.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
often... A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man
standing there
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door
and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman
'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she
tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband
tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home
just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run
for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey,
I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She
nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and
asks the same question.
Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good! Would you mind telling your husband
to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'?
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money onthe floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would haveto consult her boyfriend... So she called herboyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get hispants down.' So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hourgoes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in
the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Bulls tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
Being 54
Years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
You as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
That you
Will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
With my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don’t be
Upset—-I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
About my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
Remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
Teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
Read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
Students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
And like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
Of math, you
Will understand that we are in the same situation, although
With one small
Difference – 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow
